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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  March 6, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> that's it for the report everybody, good nig captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on youtube today. it's not march madness yet, but a couple of people at the at the kentucky/alabama basketball game were showing early signs of dan fever. >> these two guys got the mem obviously obviously and the team did, somewhat to. that's what we refer to in the business as a dad-off.
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if you want to know what steve wozniak would look like gang numb styling. a third dad is like i need to get in on some of this,. and that happened. >> now they've got the sprinkler working. >> i think that's the sprinkler breaking. i don't think that's the sprinkler working. what the urban dictionary name for dad dance. >> i viagra withdrawal shuffle. >> maria bamford? >> you're dad's in good shape. i mean, i think he should be on the team, except i blew out my knee in 94. >> paul scheer,. >> that is a menage-a-pa. >> i'm chris hardwick. welcome to "@midnight," where comedians dig through the all-you-can-eat social media
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buffet for delicious jokes. tonight's comedians are: host of "no, you shut up!" on fusion and "speakeasy" on, it's paul f. thompkins. ( cheers and applause ) "speakeasy," i've done the show. it is a delightful show. where is the best place to do some illegal drinking in los angeles. >> illegal drinking, probably the 405. ( laughter ) ( applause ) really, anywhere along there. performing at the american comedy company in san diego march 12, her new cd is "ask me about my new god!" it's maria bamford. ( cheers and applause ) maria, i don't want you to be self-conscious, you are the only non-paul. would you consider changing your name to paul bamford. >> whatever is best for my career. and the final paul in the triology.
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co-creator of the comic book "aliens vs. parker," it's paul scheer. ( cheers and applause ) >> that is me. >> ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) hold on to your autobuts and ( bleep ). the first trailer for the new "transformers: age of extinction," dropped today and we got dinobots in the house! and since this is a michael bay joint, the action comes as furiously as the clunky dialogue. and this one has mark wahlberg in it, you guys! i'm so excited. i like mark wahlberg. ( applause ) mark wahlberg puts the bro in hasbro. which of the following is an actual line from mark wahlberg's character, which by the way, is-- his character's name is cade yeager. i'm sorry, i didn't say that
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right, his character's name is cade yeager. which of the following is an actually cade yeager line from the trailer? b-- "i can break it down. strip it for parts. this stuff is what's gonna put you through college." b-- "come on, you old wreck. judgment day." c-- "i think we just found a transformer." paul f. thompkins. >> i am sad to say i know the answer to this question. it is all three. >> yes, it is all three! ( cheers and applause ) i didn't know you could be-- i didn't know they called them transformers in that universe. >> these are three classic cade
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yeagerisms. >> here is video proof of everything we just said. >> i can break it down strip this part. this stuff is what's going to put you through college. come on judgment day. >> i think we just found a transformer. ( cheers and applause ) >> i can't be 100% positive. a second ago it was a truck. now it's a robot. i think we found ourselves a transformer. what do you think mark wahlberg's favorite catch phrase will be? >> i like the way that coffee maker is looking at me. >> 100 points. maria bamford? >> we thought the auto industry was dead. but it's been transformed. ( laughter ). >> points, points. maria bamford. paul scheer. >> robots? more like wo-bot. >> yes, 100 points. and now, it pains me to say we
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have to move on from transformers. i know, i'm sorry. the movie is not out yet so i'm sure we'll be able to hit that way, way, more. >> when your name is buff bagwell, you can only have two jobs-- wrestler or gigolo. so it's no surprise the former wrestler, buff bagwell, entered the male prostitution ripping last night on showtime's documentary series "gigolos." here's a youtube clip. >> i love women to death and i always have. this is the first time i've seen a chance to stay away from wrest ling, and i'm all over it. >> yeah yeah yeah yeah. >> reporter: if you always wanted to put steroids in you but were worried about the side effects, this is a great alternative solution. i am a fap of the show "gigolos," and i think his appearance actually brings it down. >> by the way a two-hour appointment is 800 bucks or you
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can spend a romantic week with the stuff for 25 grand. >> grand? is that net or gross? >> i'm going to say it's gross. thank you. thai, paul f. thompkins. what is the name of his finishing move? paul f. thompkins. >> the lateral career slide? >> 100 points to paul f. thompkins. ( applause ) maria bamford? >> well, the ( bleep ) bottom or what ia call, check please. >> points points. paul scheer? >> it was actually a two-part move. it was a slam into a labia smash. bam! >> all right i'll give you points because you acted it out. it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars.
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as you saw earlier "transformers: age of extinction" is ploag up on the youtube. tonight's hashtag is #badscifi. examples might be missed connections of the third kind, star shreck, played walker. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. maria bamford. >> levity, with kevin heart. >> paul f. thompkins. >> cavity. >> points, yeah. paul scheer. >> ""star trek" 2 the wrath of chaka khan." >> tron-to, ontario. >> it only takes place in toronto. maria bamford. >> tyler perry's big momma's pluto. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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paul scheer. >> men in khaki. >> yes, points. paul. >> planet of some drapes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> points. paul scheer. >> "star wars, episode one the phantom menace." ( cheers and applause ) >> the crowd supports it. >> send us your #badscifi and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back be right back with more "@midnight."
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( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "that's fixed up." "that's fixed up." i can haz cheezburger's "thereifixedit" blog is an internet compendium of homemade repairs that chill the blood. ( laughter ) it's a gear shift. comedians, i'm going to show you a fixit, and i want you to give me a tagline to help sell the new product to produce results. if you make me want to buy it you get points. this car/truck combo. >> hey!
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of course you've driven a car into a house before. now try driving a house into a car. >> i'll give you point for that. anyone else? paul. >> how about breaking sad? >> breaking sad! points for breaking sad. i'm sorry. that looks like a great dane trying to ( bleep ) a chihuahua. how about this recliner/tricycle combo? ed with sheer? >> that is game of thrones dyi. >> that's what they're all fighting over just that right there. >> i must get to that tricycle. >> points toed with sheer. >> do you lead a team of supper power mutants but your legs do work? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> points to paul f. thompkins. maria, did you want to-- >> it's the only retirement plan
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that americans can afford. yeah. ( cheers and applause ). >> point for maria bamford. guys that is the end of "that's fixed up." it's time for our next game, which i am really excited about it's "vinsanity"." are we ready? do we look okay. vin diesel is popular on facebook to riddickulous shut up! it's my show. i can make a bad movie pun if i want. people really went flew a journey with that. he has 67 million likes on his page. he can't even believe it. look at his face. 67 million? real guys? ( applause ) i'm going to show you two photos. you have to tell me which one is from the official vin diesel facebook, and which is not.
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a performing concert piano on what looks like the set of or dins din for martha's vineyard? >> >> it's the first one. >> where is he playing? >> it's a nordstrom for christmas. >> pure class, no tip jar. >> no tip jar, no thanks i'm good. next one-- laying in a hammock in jay leno-esque kenim shirt, ore way too spread-crotched on the hood of a gold ferrari.
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laying in a hammock. >> hat is just for show. it doesn't fill my head. >> 1.6 million likes just hanging out nay hammock. >> what is he laughing about? that bring us to the end of "vinsanity." it is time for our first live challenge. you're bummed? no more "vinsanity." the internet never closes. you can go vin-sane at any hour. it's time for our first line challenge, "forrest dumped." because this challenge involves a product review i naturally contacted an expert to help us read it. from "review," premiering on comedy central tomorrow night at 10 p.m., it's forrest macneil >> on my show review i review
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real-life experiences but most people simply review products. this is a four-star review of google maps titled, "apple maps ruined my marriage." apple's own maps ruined my marriage. i was supposed to be at my son's football game, but i couldn't find the park. my wife formed a relationship with a man sitting knox her at the game and left me days later. google maps however, is a return to form. i really like the new design. one star off for taking so long. i suppose if this man were reviewing his love life, he would give it something like two stars. but it looks like he's back on the market and needs all the help he can get. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> ruins his marriage paecial. paernlg. maybe if he used the map to find his wife's clitorils, things would be different.
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the guy blamed the map app for his failing marriage and not his personality issues. comedians, please write this jilted lover's okcupid profile. we'll be right back with more "@midnight."
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( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break, expert reviewer forrest macneil-- read a review of google maps stating that apple maps ruined his marriage. he asked you to write an okcupid profile for the jilted lover. what it you come up with? looking for a conduct old looking to be less than pungiality. i hope you're literally looking for that because i think i'm stalled out in a cornfield. paul scheer. divorced dad looking for someone who loves to hear made-up stories about his ex, that covers his erectile dysfunction. no fapties. thanks. all right. maria bamford. >> i'm at a new place in my life. can you find me?
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i think i'm on an island. #kristin. ( cheers and applause ) >> we go to our next game, linked out. linkedin is a site where people can connect through their jobs. supposedly. comedians, i want you to ring in with as many unique job titles as you can muster. >> elvis translator. >> andrew dice caterer. >> what does that person do? >> caters to internet clay. >> points. >> butt hole certifier. >> yeah, that's a butt hole. >> have to make sure.
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>> you don't want to be remembered for that star. >> cadaver. >> the crowd's a little soft on that one. your ( bleep ) fault, people! you should have been more supportive. >> prolife publicist? >> point! maria bamford. >> okay, yeah, best friend finder. >> ooooh! >> points. all right, guys, that is the end of linkedin. paul scheer you have just gnarly captured third place. >> what! no! >> yes i'm so sorry. >> well look you know, chris we all have heroes right? my hero was me winning this show. and-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) so i will bid you a fond adieu.
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>> paul scheer. everyone. it's for the win! ( cheers and applause ) for the win. guys we found this japanese commercial on and we are thrilled that we did. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> you don't-- we don't know what that product is. you don't ever know. >> i have never more wanted to be a final round contestant than in this moment. >> i'm sorry, paul i can't hear you through the red light. this could be anything. this could be, like, socks in a vending machine or a ( bleep ) cantaloupe. you don't know in japan. you have no idea.
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comediennes, please write the name of the product and the tagline of what she is trying to sell. we'll have the answers and name a winner when we come back
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( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to "@midnight." it's the moment you've been waiting for-- it' for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- they're gone pup didn't get there fast enough. it all comes down to this head-to-head challenge. i will read your answers out loud without revealing who wrote them, and the winner will be decided democratically by our live studio audience. before the break, i showed you a japanese commercial of a gentle young woman screaming and breaking bricks with her head and asked you to tell us the product she is selling and write its tagline. let's see what you wrote. come to japan, having two atomic poms dropped on his head has lingering psychological effects. sponsored by the tourist board.
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or sake to me, hot female asian demolition because you have important man things in your head. what is she using her fors? ( cheers and applause ) i think member two has it. who was number two? maria bamford! maria bamford has won the internet. she is the fubbiest person for the next 23 and a half hours. we will see you tbiez tomorrow night. keep the game going by tweeting @midnight. good night. - [groans] - go! yeah! - up! - go! - yeah!
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